A life where you can choose

[sweetmusic_27]

Content warning: suicidal thoughts

I’ve been struggling with depression more than usual in the last month, and in particular I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts.

Things have been slowly improving. I did what I could. When I’m all alone and feeling that deep, unreasoning despair, wondering why I should go on, there are three things I try to do, and I do them in whatever order I can think of them:

1. Take my rescue med for panic attacks
2. Call the suicide helpline
3. Make a very very simple to-do list based on basic needs and getting through the next ten minutes, which often looks like this -
a. Go to the kitchen and get a glass of water and drink it
b. Go to the kitchen and find a snack, any snack, whatever appeals, and eat it
c. Consider taking a shower or changing into clean clothes

I did some other good things, from reaching out to a few friends so I would have more company to taking items that made me feel unsafe or tempted and giving them to someone who could hold onto them for me.

Last night I had insomnia and was considering whether or not I’d be a good candidate for a more in-depth program, everything from a few hours during weeknights doing group therapy to a month-long stay somewhere.

I still don’t know if that’d be right for me right now, and that’s not the point. The point is, I was looking at options, and I had a change of perspective.

“What if,” I thought to myself, “what if I took the money I’d spend on mental healthcare over that month and ate my way through France instead? I've always wanted to do that. It would probably cost about the same.”

On the one hand, it’s an idea fit to make you laugh, right? Ha ha, healthcare is so expensive I might as well take a vacation. On the other hand, though, it’s a beautifully different way of looking at suicide: if I’m going to die, what can I enjoy in the meantime? What would keep me alive for a month? What if I could choose? Wait. I CAN choose.

Here’s to having a life where you feel like you can choose.

For those of you who need a reminder, here’s Boggle the Owl: https://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i

Comments

[madfilkentist]

There isn't a lot I can do, but if it's worth anything, I'm saying that people really care about you, and you're important to us (here I'm talking about anyone in filk who's had a chance to meet or hear you, because that's our connection), regardless of what your depression says.

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, but I hope that helps a little.

Edit: I just noted that you still have me blocked on Twitter, so you probably didn't want to hear this from me. Deleting it would probably make it worse. I'm sorry.

[sweetmusic_27]

Aw, I didn't mean to scare anybody. It does take bravery to say something to someone who's struggling, and I appreciate it.

I actually have a lot of practice dealing with this, since I was about nineteen. It hasn't gotten me yet!! It's important to talk about it not just to reach out, but also because it means that other folks who are struggling quietly see that they're not alone, and then maybe they have the strength to reach out.

And people in filk really are a wonderful community and thinking about music lifts me up so much. I got to see some folks at Capricon last month and I think it helped me through February.

twitter

[sweetmusic_27]

oh goodness -

I'm sorry; please don't delete your comment. Several years ago I went through a spate of blocking folks because of politics or something, I don't even remember, and I haven't looked back at who's on that list since. Let me take you off of there.

[patoadam]

Amy,

Here is a Coursera course that measurably helped me, and continues to help me, six months later, to lead a happier, more fulfilling life: https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being.

The course is not intended for depressed people in particular, but all or almost all of the lifestyle interventions recommended in the course have been found in the scientific literature to help people suffering from clinical depression.

YMMV.

Good luck.

[sweetmusic_27]

Hey, thanks! I'm gonna take a look at that one.

[patoadam]

Great! Good luck!

[mdlbear]

Best of luck, and thank you -- that's my favorite Boggle and it's good to be reminded.

[billroper]

Choices are good.

And so are *you*.

*hugs*

[sweetmusic_27]

*bighugs* Thank you <3

[wyld_dandelyon]

I wanted to thank you for playing along with my new song (I think it was Safe, Oo-oooh, Teatime Rhyme) at Capricon. I very much enjoyed that. Thank you.

Also, I want to say that I'm almost always up into the wee small hours of the night, and my partner deals with suicidal thoughts too, and either of us would be happy to chat with you online or by phone if your usual support people are sleeping when you're feeling lonely. We're facebook friends, and I'm usually near the computer at that time of day, so you can send a PM any time.

I think travel is a perfectly good option, if it feels right to you. I know that my week of silence in Ireland before Worldcon was a real boon to my sense of sanity. I'd planned it as a week of sightseeing (which I did) and playing music and writing (which got mostly shunted to the side for what was almost a silent retreat). (When people in the flat next door played the Tommy Makem and Liam Clancy record I've loved forever, I got mad because it was intruding on my silence. That made me reassess my feelings about not getting more writing and music done! Clearly I needed that break.)

[sweetmusic_27]

aw, yay, I'm glad you enjoyed the accompaniment!

That silent retreat sounds like, well, a treat. :)

Thanks for letting me know you're near FB chat - the insomnia's been difficult the last couple of days in particular, phew!

[wyld_dandelyon]

:)

[andeincascade]

I’m so sorry you’re struggling and VERY GLAD you found a way to cope, at least for now.

I don’t know if this would be helpful but I am up very very late almost every night and if you need someone to talk through the insomnia you could DM me on Twitter or text me. Do you have my cell? My grandma was routinely up to 3-4 in the morning and it was so great to be able to call her I the dead of night. I still miss that.

Take gentle care of yourself. I love you. And the world needs fiddle players. ❤️❤️❤️

[sweetmusic_27]

*bighugs* I don't know if I do have your phone number! Feel free to email it to me at infamousfiddler at gmail?

I'm still having a hard time but I think it's getting better. Bit by bit!