![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A life where you can choose
Mar. 3rd, 2020 03:04 pmContent warning: suicidal thoughts
I’ve been struggling with depression more than usual in the last month, and in particular I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts.
Things have been slowly improving. I did what I could. When I’m all alone and feeling that deep, unreasoning despair, wondering why I should go on, there are three things I try to do, and I do them in whatever order I can think of them:
1. Take my rescue med for panic attacks
2. Call the suicide helpline
3. Make a very very simple to-do list based on basic needs and getting through the next ten minutes, which often looks like this -
a. Go to the kitchen and get a glass of water and drink it
b. Go to the kitchen and find a snack, any snack, whatever appeals, and eat it
c. Consider taking a shower or changing into clean clothes
I did some other good things, from reaching out to a few friends so I would have more company to taking items that made me feel unsafe or tempted and giving them to someone who could hold onto them for me.
Last night I had insomnia and was considering whether or not I’d be a good candidate for a more in-depth program, everything from a few hours during weeknights doing group therapy to a month-long stay somewhere.
I still don’t know if that’d be right for me right now, and that’s not the point. The point is, I was looking at options, and I had a change of perspective.
“What if,” I thought to myself, “what if I took the money I’d spend on mental healthcare over that month and ate my way through France instead? I've always wanted to do that. It would probably cost about the same.”
On the one hand, it’s an idea fit to make you laugh, right? Ha ha, healthcare is so expensive I might as well take a vacation. On the other hand, though, it’s a beautifully different way of looking at suicide: if I’m going to die, what can I enjoy in the meantime? What would keep me alive for a month? What if I could choose? Wait. I CAN choose.
Here’s to having a life where you feel like you can choose.
For those of you who need a reminder, here’s Boggle the Owl: https://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i
I’ve been struggling with depression more than usual in the last month, and in particular I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts.
Things have been slowly improving. I did what I could. When I’m all alone and feeling that deep, unreasoning despair, wondering why I should go on, there are three things I try to do, and I do them in whatever order I can think of them:
1. Take my rescue med for panic attacks
2. Call the suicide helpline
3. Make a very very simple to-do list based on basic needs and getting through the next ten minutes, which often looks like this -
a. Go to the kitchen and get a glass of water and drink it
b. Go to the kitchen and find a snack, any snack, whatever appeals, and eat it
c. Consider taking a shower or changing into clean clothes
I did some other good things, from reaching out to a few friends so I would have more company to taking items that made me feel unsafe or tempted and giving them to someone who could hold onto them for me.
Last night I had insomnia and was considering whether or not I’d be a good candidate for a more in-depth program, everything from a few hours during weeknights doing group therapy to a month-long stay somewhere.
I still don’t know if that’d be right for me right now, and that’s not the point. The point is, I was looking at options, and I had a change of perspective.
“What if,” I thought to myself, “what if I took the money I’d spend on mental healthcare over that month and ate my way through France instead? I've always wanted to do that. It would probably cost about the same.”
On the one hand, it’s an idea fit to make you laugh, right? Ha ha, healthcare is so expensive I might as well take a vacation. On the other hand, though, it’s a beautifully different way of looking at suicide: if I’m going to die, what can I enjoy in the meantime? What would keep me alive for a month? What if I could choose? Wait. I CAN choose.
Here’s to having a life where you feel like you can choose.
For those of you who need a reminder, here’s Boggle the Owl: https://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i
